OH MY GOD MY PARENTS JUST TOLD ME THE STORY OF HOW THEY STARTED DATING
ok so they worked together in a town called abbotsford and my father had a crush on my mother and one day he asked her “nice bum where ya from” and my mother responded “abBUTTsford” and basICALLY IM ALIVE BECAUSE OF A PUN
OH MY GOD
THAT’S WHY I’M SO GOOD AT PUNS
I once told a joke about a straight person.
They came after me in droves.
Each one singing the same:
Don’t fight fire with fire.
What they mean is: Don’t fight fire with anything.
Do not fight fire with water.
Do not fight fire with foam.
Do not evacuate the people.
Do not sound the alarms.
Do not crawl coughing and choking and spluttering to safety.
Do not barricade the door with damp towels.
Do not wave a white flag out of the window.
Do not take the plunge from several storeys up.
Do not shed a tear for your lover trapped behind a wall of flame.
Do not curse the combination of fuel, heat, and oxygen.
Do not ask why the fire fighters are not coming.
When they say: Don’t fight fire with fire.
What they mean is: Stand and burn.
Stand and Burn by Claudia Boleyn. (via claudiaboleyn)
Yesterday a guy came up to me at work was like “How are you ever going to get a job with all those piercings?”
I’ll say that again.
A guy came up to me
and asked “How are you ever going to get a job with all those piercings?”
(Source: deathwingxvx, via thenamesvent)
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wait what i don’t get it
Lol it’s funny because fat people are always hungry which is why they’re fat lololol
I actually hate her
are you fucking kidding me
beginning to dislike her more and more
she is kind of rounded out herself so where does she even get the right??
but wow what a bitch
And here we have another case of Tumblr being brain dead retarded.
This fine man who had a fat joke made at his expense is Zach Galifianakis. Zach is an actor known for his comedic roles in movies such as the “Hangover” and is also known for his stand-up.
Zach has a comedy show called “Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis” a show where he interviews well known celebrities and “Maintains an awkward and often antagonistic demeanor with his guests, asking them bizarre and inappropriate questions mixed with off-handed non sequiturs on a set that intentionally resembles a low-budget amateur production fit for public-access television.”
So you see Tumblr, Jennifer Lawrence wasn’t actually being a bitch. She was ACTING like a bitch for the sake of comedy which Mr. Galifianakis himself was fully aware of because he wrote the script, thus making fun of himself.
I know the majority of you are fat as hell because you lack the discipline to actually change your lifestyle by cutting out fast food and sugary drinks but you need to learn that in comedy everything is fair game.
Tumblr gettin’ schooled always has a place on my blog.
(Source: stevemcqueened, via sickgrrrl)